That Aching Feeling

Have you ever felt the need to cry out of the blue? I have, these past few days.

I was in a foreign city, in a foreign land, on another continent, halfway across the world, all alone when I received the text message from both of my parents informing me that all their life savings and investments were gone. To say they are penniless would be an exaggeration of a kind.

I cried in the comforts of the hotel room where I was staying. I cried not because of the money lost or the imminent possibility that our life, their lives was about to take a dramatic change. I didn't cry because of that. I cried for the betrayal, the trust that was broken and the seas separating me and my family. I cried because I wasn't able to be there. Or was it maybe I cried because I was relieved that I wasn't there to witness all the drama and heartache.

But that was the only time I cried. It was the only time I allowed the tears to fall.

I landed in KLIA a few days after. I was jet lagged and exhausted. But I knew I had to be awake. Sleep was out of the question. I had so many people to see, explanations to be heard and a lot of running around and trying to figure out ways to haul ourselves out of the mess. With parents sanity intact, and their lives glued together again.

My normally strong mother was crying every hour on the hour. I tried to be understanding and give her room to vent out her frustration and fear. Fear of not knowing what would happen to the family if we are not able to pull through. Fear of the unknown and the what if's. What if the sun won't shine tomorrow? What if this is all a horrific dream? The what if's could break your soul down into tiny little fragments of dust, blown away and forgotten.

I guess I gave her too much room, or the people that she's been mengadu~domba ing with has been encouraging her to lose her marbles…maybe. It's just an assumption.

I had to put my foot down when she started wailing and talking about death and seeking forgiveness from her brothers and sisters and saying how she no longer had the strength to go through all this. Money and a broken trust could do that to you. I just learned that, the hard way.

Foot had been let down sternly, a few stern words delivered, and she was back to her old,, strong self again albeit a few days too late to my liking. Dearest mak, forgive your daughter if the words were too harsh and I had hurt your feelings, especially in this fragile moment. It was never my intention, it was never meant to hurt you. But I couldn't see you like that. I'm not going to allow that. We'll weather through this together.

YOU,

The man that you hate so much…he's aged for the past month. He has lost weight. All my life, for the past 30 years, I have never seen him cry. But now he has. Every day. A man of his stature, you have managed to bring him to his knees. You could see it in his eyes that he's tired.

The woman that you say nags and worries to the point of being annoying…she hasn't been sleeping well for the past month. I know because I'm the one at home. Yes, she hadn't cried since that fateful day when I told her to get a grip on herself. She's a strong woman and she doesn't deserve this.

That piece of shit you love so much and call life partner? I will never forgive him for being ignorant to all this and for having the nerve to say that he doesn't want to interfere in matters of the family. Only one thought crosses my mind right now and it's not a very pleasant thought. So much for hoping that having another male presence would help take care of the parents.

Just so you know, I don't hate you. I never will. But could I ever forgive you? Sigh, I don't have the answer for that.

I'm all right. This is just a venting in replacement of the tears that won't fall.

Just so you know, I love you and I do worry about you. I worry whether he's treating you right, whether you have been eating and whether life is ok for you.

If only you do know…