Never The Same Again

I'm a bit rusty on my writing. Haven't written a decent entry in ages.

Between then and now, much has happened to me, and perhaps much has happened to you too. 

Walking side-by-side with my friend K, talking while browsing through the bookshelves at MPH over at The Curve yesterday evening, post-rendang and nasi impit overload, she said something to me which I kept repeating in my mind till now. 

'You are never the same person again'.

A simple sentence with seven simple words. 

With that, she has managed to summarize the meaning of the past two months of my life for me. 

I lost my father late June this year. He was never sick. In fact, a few hours before he left us, I was having dinner with him and my mother at home, discussing where to go for breakfast in the morning. He later left for his kopi session with his buddies at the mamak opposite the house, and I went up to my room. A few hours later, my mother knocked violently on my bedroom door, telling me to take my father to the clinic. 

I got in the car, my father was still strong to walk himself to the car, drove off with him in the passenger side and my mother at the back. He complained of chest pains and a mere few minutes later, he was no longer with us. He passed away in the car, with me and my mother with him. 

I knew he was no longer breathing as we got to the clinic. Don't ask me why it was the clinic and not the hospital, I guess at that point in time, I couldn't think straight. My mom was still hopeful, praying hard that he will be okay. I didn't cry. I think I just stood there like a statue. Staring at my father. I went on auto-pilot mode after that. Making the report, going over to the police station, calling my family and my father's friends.I had a lot of help though, when I got home in the van jenazah, the house was ready. Furniture was already moved outside, stacks of Yassin at one corner, plastic chairs arranged outside the house....for all that, I couldn't thank my neighbours enough. 

I never imagined that I would lose my father so early. He was only 60, having celebrated his 60th last April. There was still a lot of things that I wanted to share with him.

Losing him has affected me deeply. Like K said, I am never the same person again.

I'm okay. Just in case you were wondering....

I eat, shower, go to work, see friends, listen to music, still read romantic novels and watch what my friends are up to on Facebook.

I miss him and wish that he was still still here. There is not a day that he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.

I wrote about him once here, if you still remember...

Selamat Hari Raya Abah...

Al-fatihah