Monday, February 15, 2016

Great Expectations

The thing about expectations is that without meaning to, we create our own heartbreaks through expectations.

If anything at all, over the years that I have been laying low, what I have learned is that serenity comes when you trade expectations to acceptance.

Right... who am I kidding? I've gone all Confucius and Lao Tze.

I keep hearing my friends telling me not to have any expectations, especially when it comes to relationships. They say to have hope, but never to expect. If we do not expect anything from anyone, we can never be disappointed.

And I understand the point that they are trying to make.

But how is that even realistic? How can we not have expectations?

So I say go ahead. Set those expectations as high as you want them to be.


Never allow your world to fall apart when the subject of your expectations couldn't pull through ask how you had hoped it would be.

As for me, the simple truth is that, sometimes, we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.

But if you do have expectations, then expect for great things to come to you. That is the only way to go...

Sunday, February 14, 2016

To Have But Not To Hold

People say when you want to begin writing, it's always best to start with something that you are familiar with, something close to your heart. 

Throughout my life, I've been blessed. Blessed to have learned courage, loyalty and perseverance from the small group of friends that I have around me. 

Let's start with someone I knew way back from 1998. When Maggi was our staple diet, and hanging out at the veranda at the back of our dorm room was our favourite past time. 

She shall be referred to as Ms. JB, as in the city Johor Bahru, because she hails from Johor Bahru and  a big fan of the JDT football team and because I am not that creative enough to come up with any other name.  

I admire her love for her Mr. K and wish that I am as strong as her. 

She loves deeply, and is loyal to Mr. K even after so many years together and being so far apart from each other.

From her, I am beginning to understand that love does not mean being inseparable; it means being separated and nothing changes. I think that is true love. 

I envy that. 

The commitment to make the relationship work despite being in two different cities; to trust, and to make each other feel important without having the advantage of seeing each other often, to make each other laugh and to share the details of each other's daily life is not something that can be achieved easily. 

But then again, distance doesn't matter, when they are loyal to each other. 

I'm a bit rusty in the writing. It'll get better, I hope it does...


Friday, June 6, 2014

To See If It Fits

“He was like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress.You know it’s not your style, but it’s right there, so you try it on anyway." -Sex and the City-

Thursday, March 20, 2014

100 Days of Happiness # Day 1

I was tired of feeling sorry for myself over the whole break-up phase that I was going through. Yes so he broke my heart. But like a dear friend will always say ' nobody dies of a broken heart'. I'm still breathing.

I've passed the bawling my eyes out phase, the missing-you-wish-you-were-here phase, the anger phase and finally the phase where I am just exhausted of being sad.

So I'm embarking on a 100 Days of Happiness project.  To remind myself to be thankful for the many other wonderful things that life is sending my way.

Happiness is a choice. I need to remember that.

Day #1

A short work trip to Kuching. As the plane flew me home, I was happy and contented to be up in the clouds. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Write My Story

“I believe in writing your own story.” ― Charlotte Eriksson

People write for a number of reasons.

We write to share our happy moments, to laugh at the eccentricities of life and let go of the pain inside.

Sometimes we write for ourselves, putting our thoughts into words and sometimes we write for others, hoping that they would read between the lines.

Today, I write because I need to find myself again, to rekindle that passion and I write because I want to remind myself that its's always darkest before the dawn.

I refuse to end this chapter on a negative note. Allow me to chase that morning ray. To see beyond the darkness. I want to write of happy endings because I used to believe in happy endings.

Would you be willing to read what I have to write?

Excuse me while I go chase that morning ray or that mythical end of the rainbow with the pot of gold.

Wait for my I will be reading yours.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Weekend in Colour #1

A good friend is moving to Dubai to start a new job. I decided to give her a collection of digital memories of her and her son because she couldn’t bring him with her just yet. I hope she likes them.

A bit rusty with the camera. It’s been over a year since I last fiddled around with it.  


Canon EOS 60D, Lake Gardens & Alhambara Putrajaya

How was your weekend? Hope you had a good one.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Happy Endingku

Stumbled across this song a few months back. Wanted to share with you but I kept forgetting. 

Asked my colleague to listen to it this morning. She liked it so much that she immediately added it to her ‘wedding song’ list. Bummer, there goes my song.

How adorable is the name Abdul & The Coffee Theory?

Best heard with eyes closed and imagining yourself running across a meadow with leaves floating around you.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Small Things

Over a new year’s breakfast of nasi lemak and roti bakar, he turned to me and said, “I don’t notice the small things.”

For reference purposes now and onwards, the friend shall be referred to as Master of the Universe, because…well, he’s all about being the one in charge. A very complex character he is, indeed.

He continues to add, “I don’t notice whether you’ve just had a haircut, or the smell of your perfume, or…well, you know, things like that. ”

I rolled my eyes at him. No surprise there.

Personally, I kind of like the small things. It warms the heart to discover if someone were to notice or remember the small things about me….  like how I very much prefer books over flowers, that my favourite scent on myself is vanilla and that I like the colour blue, that I prefer hot chocolate over coffee, and that my favourite song is Dia by Maliq and The Essentials.

It is the small things that sometimes makes us smile mid-stride, the cause of the unexpected chuckle, or maybe, that sudden burst of laughter that gets your colleague from the next cubicle wondering if you have just lost your marbles.

Like the time my friend from Jerantut sent a picture of a magazine article entitled 30 Teknik Bebas Stres Paling Efektif, in our BBM group, with the comment ‘No 1 yang paling utama ialah, CARI PASANGAN HIDUP, majalah iSihat, Sekian.’ I couldn’t help but burst out laughing because the issue of marriage and finding your partner has been a standing friendly banter between the three of us.

I like the smell of my man wearing my favourite perfume of his, or when I catch the same scent in the midst of nowhere and I like when someone uses a photo I took as their profile picture. I love late night drives with someone who knows me well enough, to share conversations about how the day has been and laugh over silly incidents. I like it when a man holds open the door for me, because a man holding open a door for a woman is so rare nowadays.

I like hearing my favourite song being played on the radio. Yes, I may own the CD but nothing beats the excitement and giddiness you feel when your song is playing over the airwaves. I like going to bed and knowing that I can sleep in the next day. I like discovering inscriptions written inside old books, it’s like discovering some part of history, a glance into another person’s thoughts and I love reading funny, thought provoking and quirky musings of other blog writers.

It may be the small thing that someone does, or the small things about that someone or the everyday things that I find to be heart warming. I am all about the small things and sometimes, when I read between the lines of your writings and musings, I notice the small things about you too *smile*.

p/s: Hoping that 2013 will be kinder to you and me. Have a great year ahead.

Monday, December 31, 2012

The Reason

There we were, two people, sitting at the mamak opposite my house, on one rainy Saturday evening. One is single while the other is not.

The conversation flowed aimlessly from one subject to another, then he said, “you know, things happen for a reason.”

A rather ambiguous statement. Bordering between the negative and the positive, depending on how we want to look at it.

I went to bed that night thinking hard. Remembering everything that has happened and everyone that I have met and trying to figure out the reason why. There are an abundance of quotes over the internet on it. They say that sometimes a person comes into our lives to serve some sort of purpose, to teach us an important lesson or maybe to help figure out who we are or who we want to become.

Like the friend who is constantly cheering me on, to keep dreaming the dreams, and turn them into a reality. Or the boss that has become a mentor, teaching and guiding me to be the best that I can be and eventually has helped me figure out where I am headed.

And sometimes the things that happen to us may seem, at that point in time, horrible, painful or unfair but in reflection, we will come to realize that without overcoming those obstacles, we would never know our strength, will power or heart.

Why do I know you? Why do you know me? Why did I do that? What have I learned from it?
But at the end of the day, I think it all boils down to this; the person and voice inside us.

The reasons can only happen should we allow it to happen. It can only happen if we open our minds…and our hearts, to changes, to allow them to become a part of our lives. And letting them be who they are, and for us to be who we are.

I may not like some of the things about my friend who was seated across from me. Like how he likes to boss me around, or how he can sometimes be such a grumpy old man (not literally though) but hey, then again, it was the things he said that made me write again. Maybe that was his reason.

I know you have yours. We’ll figure it out eventually, as we go along.

Have a great new year’s eve. We’ve been this far, have we not? :-)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Is Happiness a State of Mind?


Three years ago I made the difficult decision to switch careers. I thought I would be happier. It was a huge step up with exciting opportunities, and it was, or still is. The new job gave me the opportunity to travel more in the past three years than I ever did before. I met new people with a wealth of experience and drew inspiration from their successes and stories of life.

But somehow, being honest with myself now, I feel empty. Not depressed or I-will-never-laugh-again…just empty. I don’t know whether it was because of the choices I made or maybe, just maybe, it was because of the big void that Pak Syed left. I’d rather if it was the former than the latter.

I think I was happy three years ago. I remember laughing a lot more. Reading a lot more. Writing a lot more in this blog of mine. Seeing a lot more movies and having the time to do things that made me happy.

I think I’ve tried everything to feel that same euphoric feeling and the giddiness I’ve felt three years before. Spent more time with friends, had positive quotes tacked to my corkboard at work…but nothing. I even bought boxes of cupcakes because I saw this poster once that said “You can’t buy happiness but you can buy cupcakes. And that’s kind of the same thing.” Still no butterflies, only more weight added. Yes, I think I’ve gained at least 8kg from comfort eating.

I don’t regret making that decision. Standing at that crossroad and choosing that certain path. But….I can’t help but to keep on wondering, if it was right, then why do I feel empty inside?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Color Grey

Curiosity got the better of me. How many Shades of Grey are there anyway?

50 Shades of Grey turned me 50 Shades of Crimson. And it comes in a trilogy pack.

Now I'm wondering how did it ever get past Internal Home Affairs. They must have missed it or have been misguided by the title, thinking it might be a tutorial on getting the perfect 50 Shades of Grey?

Have you read?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Never The Same Again

I'm a bit rusty on my writing. Haven't written a decent entry in ages.

Between then and now, much has happened to me, and perhaps much has happened to you too. 

Walking side-by-side with my friend K, talking while browsing through the bookshelves at MPH over at The Curve yesterday evening, post-rendang and nasi impit overload, she said something to me which I kept repeating in my mind till now. 

'You are never the same person again'.

A simple sentence with seven simple words. 

With that, she has managed to summarize the meaning of the past two months of my life for me. 

I lost my father late June this year. He was never sick. In fact, a few hours before he left us, I was having dinner with him and my mother at home, discussing where to go for breakfast in the morning. He later left for his kopi session with his buddies at the mamak opposite the house, and I went up to my room. A few hours later, my mother knocked violently on my bedroom door, telling me to take my father to the clinic. 

I got in the car, my father was still strong to walk himself to the car, drove off with him in the passenger side and my mother at the back. He complained of chest pains and a mere few minutes later, he was no longer with us. He passed away in the car, with me and my mother with him. 

I knew he was no longer breathing as we got to the clinic. Don't ask me why it was the clinic and not the hospital, I guess at that point in time, I couldn't think straight. My mom was still hopeful, praying hard that he will be okay. I didn't cry. I think I just stood there like a statue. Staring at my father. I went on auto-pilot mode after that. Making the report, going over to the police station, calling my family and my father's friends.I had a lot of help though, when I got home in the van jenazah, the house was ready. Furniture was already moved outside, stacks of Yassin at one corner, plastic chairs arranged outside the house....for all that, I couldn't thank my neighbours enough. 

I never imagined that I would lose my father so early. He was only 60, having celebrated his 60th last April. There was still a lot of things that I wanted to share with him.

Losing him has affected me deeply. Like K said, I am never the same person again.

I'm okay. Just in case you were wondering....

I eat, shower, go to work, see friends, listen to music, still read romantic novels and watch what my friends are up to on Facebook.

I miss him and wish that he was still still here. There is not a day that he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.

I wrote about him once here, if you still remember...

Selamat Hari Raya Abah...


Happy Eid and I'm Back

I had one of those moments when my heart skipped a little faster than the usual and a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I couldn't locate my blog on WordPress and Blogspot changed its layout.

Yes, I think it is safe to say that I'm back to blogging here and that I have no idea how I am to retrieve my old posts from WordPress.

Anyway, I hope its not too late to say Selamat Hari Raya and hoping that your Eid was filled with much love and happiness.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Once upon a Summer's Day

[caption id="attachment_370" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="Lavenders in Kaikoura"][/caption]
Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.”
― Alice HoffmanPractical Magic

In Living Colour

There are many kinds of friends and people that I have in my life. There are those who are my best friends for life-till-death do us part kinds, those after work coffee buddies whom I meet once in a while to de-stress and rant about the office, and then there are those who hold a cameo role, appearing rarely but nonetheless, making their presence known and heard.

I have a few of these people in my life. I see them very rarely, but during those rare moments, they have never failed to make me either stare in amazement, cringe, roll my eyes or secretly wish I can stab them-repeatedly.

I have a friend, whom I’ve known since we were 15. Whenever I cut school, I would go over to her house to hide out and we would listen to Feminin (yes, they were the rage back then if you must know) and talk about the boys at school. We were so close that if we aren’t together, we will be hanging on the phone…sometimes not even talking. Just holding on to the phone, listening at nothing at would only start to talk if there was something that  crossed our minds.  But school life ended and we parted ways. Me to UPM and she chased her dream of becoming a singer. Well, we’re still friends now but not as close as we used to be. We talk, meet up once in a while and exchange life stories.

So I texted her a few weeks back. Asking her how she is, since she just went through another breakup to which I had spent countless and endless hours of texting, trying to calm her down.  My “Hi babe, how’s it going? Are you ok?” was met with a short reply – “Hey, check out my video yah? (insert video link here)”

Hmmm…okay…what is this? A game of Blue’s Clues? Find the clues in this video to get your answer ;-)

Or did she just confuse me as being one of her fans? Maybe I should’ve asked for her autograph.

And then, there is this guy. Who I rarely see. Very interesting character and perhaps well on his way of being sued for sexual harassment one of these day.

His idea of breakfast talk is “you hebat tak di ranjang?”

And I splutter hot tea all over the table. Who ever uses the word ranjang anymore these days?

Oh, and he gave me the middle-finger as he sped away in his brand new mini cooper as I stood waiting for a bus late one evening.


The girl I wrote about some time ago also made a comeback. Remember her?

I was in my car one morning, idling and warming up the engine. I saw her driving past in her black MyVi. I looked down, hoping she didn’t see me and quickly shifted the gear, wanting to drive away JUST in case she saw me.

She did. And what were the odds of that happening to me?

She made a U-turn.

Drove up to the side of my car, rolled her windows down and asked

“Kau ni bila nak kahwin ni? Umur dah berapa”

I'm beginning to wonder what is with her and her obsession with my status?

Yes hi, Good Morning. Kau sihat? Dari mana ni pagi-pagi? Oh..hantar anak pergi sekolah. Besar dah anak kau… Ok lah bye

Shoot, I wish I had given a better comeback. At least she skipped the weight issue this time around. Thank god.

Well, whoever they are, and for whatever reason they exist in my life, I just realised that they add colour to it. Yes, I admit annoyance was the initial feeling but when I sat down, and thought about it, I found myself smiling and chuckling.

I think I can still handle those bizarre once-in-a-blue happenings.

They are who they are. And I am who I am.