I have a secret. I hate the fact that I can’t talk about it and that I have to keep it far far away hidden in the deep recesses of my mind, but I have to because I have a feeling that nobody would quite understand why I did what I did.
Now all I need is an eraser, or perhaps a delete button that could work in real life.
That would be so much easier now wouldn’t it.
I’ll be singing to the tunes of Malaysia Truly Asia come this 7th of December 2009.
Yes! A new environment, a new place, new faces and… a new career.Terrified? That I am. Leaving the confines of my comfort zone in search of something that would make all the mornings more meaningful.
"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
I am leaving behind a sense of security, a worry free life of knowing that I won’t be losing my job, and if I did fumble and tumble, it would be like moving a mountain to remove me from the system. I am leaving all that. Pension, golden handshakes and the likes of it. Scary..yes. To me at least. It is something like wanting out of a perfect marriage to be with somebody to which my future with him is uncertain.
The decision did not come without its fair share of endless tossing and turning at night, long phone calls and streams of text messages were exchanged with a lot of people. Some were supportive, some skeptical. I understand their concern, and I appreciate them all the more for it.
A lot of people said a lot of things but most of them were excited for me on this new journey that I’m about to take. But the most significant advice was a simple text from somebody I’ve known for years but have never met. It said;
Each person’s life is lead differently, so you have to decide based on how yours is going or the direction its heading.
I know that I want my life to be heading in a different direction as to where it is right now. I’m leaping, and I hope that I’ll land somewhere solid because I know, if I don’t take that leap, I’ll always be wondering about the what if’s. And I don’t want to wander, I want to find out.
But I have faith. Faith that this would all lead to something bigger and better.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. – Martin Luther King
Here’s to a wonderful beginning of this new chapter in my life.
It started off with a mild fever on Friday which escalated to severe and excruciating menstrual cramps which left me sleepless for 4 nights in a row and ended with a discovery of an 11cm fibroid in my uterus.
The first gynae that I went to had the tactical diplomacy of a communist when delivering my diagnosis.
| Doctor: | You have fibroid. It’s big. It’s covering your whole uterus. |
| Cinta: | Ok..so what should I do? |
| Doctor: | I recommend surgery. You have two options miss. One is we only take out the fibroid but there is always the possibility that it will come back again. The second option which I strongly recommend is we take out your uterus along with the fibroid. Then be rest assured that the fibroids won’t be coming back. But you can never have kids. |
| Cinta: | My uterus? But I’m not married yet. |
| Doctor: | Yes but it’s the only way to make sure that the fibroid won’t come back. |
I swear I must’ve stopped breathing and the whole world just went blank all of a sudden. After telling him that I need to discuss it with my family and paying RM160 just to hear him deliver the bad news not so tactfully, I went into my car, called a friend and bawled my eyes out! I was scared. I was terrified. I didn’t even know what a fibroid is. So there I was, by the side of the road, bawling and wailing my eyeballs out. Sangat drama swasta I tell you.
This is the part where I ask you “Are you covered by insurance?” because seriously thank god I am. At least, for now, the financial part of this whole drama will not be an issue.
After the whole drama by the side of the road died down, I sought to seek a second opinion. Dr. Premithra from Pantai Medical. Dr. Premithra made much more sense. She patiently took the time to explain what was going on. She even sketched out the fibroid and what it was doing to my uterus. Because of the size of the fibroid, it has overlapped itself with my uterus and pushed my uterus lower. To be performing surgery now would mean that she would have to cut off part of my uterus but she does not want to do that seeing that I’m still single. I will be able to get pregnant when I marry but giving birth naturally would be a bit risky she said, seeing that my uterus would be weak. Caesarean it is then.
Surgery is unavoidable, but she’s going to try to shrink it first by injection to maybe 8cm and when it shrinks, I would be scheduled for surgery in 2 months. In the meantime, I would be experiencing all the symptoms of menopause, Hot flashes,night sweats, fatigue, dizziness etc.
A dose of injection which is costly. I have chemicals and drugs flowing inside me worth RM1300. Satu injection yang berharga RM1300.
As I’m typing this out, the left cheek of my bum is sore from the injection today. But you didn’t need to know that now did ya? :)
My point is this and it goes to all the beautiful ladies who reads this. When your body is showing signs that something is not right ie, irregular menses, severe menstrual cramps, anything which is out of the norm, don’t be me and overlook it and say that it’s probably just nothing. Get yourself a physical exam with a good doctor. Do your (BSE) Breast Self Examination once a month. It would cost you for being ignorant to what your body is trying to tell you. Eat right and don’t see the gynae that I first went to!
