Monday, December 31, 2012

The Reason

There we were, two people, sitting at the mamak opposite my house, on one rainy Saturday evening. One is single while the other is not.

The conversation flowed aimlessly from one subject to another, then he said, “you know, things happen for a reason.”

A rather ambiguous statement. Bordering between the negative and the positive, depending on how we want to look at it.

I went to bed that night thinking hard. Remembering everything that has happened and everyone that I have met and trying to figure out the reason why. There are an abundance of quotes over the internet on it. They say that sometimes a person comes into our lives to serve some sort of purpose, to teach us an important lesson or maybe to help figure out who we are or who we want to become.

Like the friend who is constantly cheering me on, to keep dreaming the dreams, and turn them into a reality. Or the boss that has become a mentor, teaching and guiding me to be the best that I can be and eventually has helped me figure out where I am headed.

And sometimes the things that happen to us may seem, at that point in time, horrible, painful or unfair but in reflection, we will come to realize that without overcoming those obstacles, we would never know our strength, will power or heart.

Why do I know you? Why do you know me? Why did I do that? What have I learned from it?
But at the end of the day, I think it all boils down to this; the person and voice inside us.

The reasons can only happen should we allow it to happen. It can only happen if we open our minds…and our hearts, to changes, to allow them to become a part of our lives. And letting them be who they are, and for us to be who we are.

I may not like some of the things about my friend who was seated across from me. Like how he likes to boss me around, or how he can sometimes be such a grumpy old man (not literally though) but hey, then again, it was the things he said that made me write again. Maybe that was his reason.

I know you have yours. We’ll figure it out eventually, as we go along.

Have a great new year’s eve. We’ve been this far, have we not? :-)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Is Happiness a State of Mind?


Three years ago I made the difficult decision to switch careers. I thought I would be happier. It was a huge step up with exciting opportunities, and it was, or still is. The new job gave me the opportunity to travel more in the past three years than I ever did before. I met new people with a wealth of experience and drew inspiration from their successes and stories of life.

But somehow, being honest with myself now, I feel empty. Not depressed or I-will-never-laugh-again…just empty. I don’t know whether it was because of the choices I made or maybe, just maybe, it was because of the big void that Pak Syed left. I’d rather if it was the former than the latter.

I think I was happy three years ago. I remember laughing a lot more. Reading a lot more. Writing a lot more in this blog of mine. Seeing a lot more movies and having the time to do things that made me happy.

I think I’ve tried everything to feel that same euphoric feeling and the giddiness I’ve felt three years before. Spent more time with friends, had positive quotes tacked to my corkboard at work…but nothing. I even bought boxes of cupcakes because I saw this poster once that said “You can’t buy happiness but you can buy cupcakes. And that’s kind of the same thing.” Still no butterflies, only more weight added. Yes, I think I’ve gained at least 8kg from comfort eating.

I don’t regret making that decision. Standing at that crossroad and choosing that certain path. But….I can’t help but to keep on wondering, if it was right, then why do I feel empty inside?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Color Grey

Curiosity got the better of me. How many Shades of Grey are there anyway?

50 Shades of Grey turned me 50 Shades of Crimson. And it comes in a trilogy pack.

Now I'm wondering how did it ever get past Internal Home Affairs. They must have missed it or have been misguided by the title, thinking it might be a tutorial on getting the perfect 50 Shades of Grey?

Have you read?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Never The Same Again

I'm a bit rusty on my writing. Haven't written a decent entry in ages.

Between then and now, much has happened to me, and perhaps much has happened to you too. 

Walking side-by-side with my friend K, talking while browsing through the bookshelves at MPH over at The Curve yesterday evening, post-rendang and nasi impit overload, she said something to me which I kept repeating in my mind till now. 

'You are never the same person again'.

A simple sentence with seven simple words. 

With that, she has managed to summarize the meaning of the past two months of my life for me. 

I lost my father late June this year. He was never sick. In fact, a few hours before he left us, I was having dinner with him and my mother at home, discussing where to go for breakfast in the morning. He later left for his kopi session with his buddies at the mamak opposite the house, and I went up to my room. A few hours later, my mother knocked violently on my bedroom door, telling me to take my father to the clinic. 

I got in the car, my father was still strong to walk himself to the car, drove off with him in the passenger side and my mother at the back. He complained of chest pains and a mere few minutes later, he was no longer with us. He passed away in the car, with me and my mother with him. 

I knew he was no longer breathing as we got to the clinic. Don't ask me why it was the clinic and not the hospital, I guess at that point in time, I couldn't think straight. My mom was still hopeful, praying hard that he will be okay. I didn't cry. I think I just stood there like a statue. Staring at my father. I went on auto-pilot mode after that. Making the report, going over to the police station, calling my family and my father's friends.I had a lot of help though, when I got home in the van jenazah, the house was ready. Furniture was already moved outside, stacks of Yassin at one corner, plastic chairs arranged outside the house....for all that, I couldn't thank my neighbours enough. 

I never imagined that I would lose my father so early. He was only 60, having celebrated his 60th last April. There was still a lot of things that I wanted to share with him.

Losing him has affected me deeply. Like K said, I am never the same person again.

I'm okay. Just in case you were wondering....

I eat, shower, go to work, see friends, listen to music, still read romantic novels and watch what my friends are up to on Facebook.

I miss him and wish that he was still still here. There is not a day that he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning.

I wrote about him once here, if you still remember...

Selamat Hari Raya Abah...


Happy Eid and I'm Back

I had one of those moments when my heart skipped a little faster than the usual and a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I couldn't locate my blog on WordPress and Blogspot changed its layout.

Yes, I think it is safe to say that I'm back to blogging here and that I have no idea how I am to retrieve my old posts from WordPress.

Anyway, I hope its not too late to say Selamat Hari Raya and hoping that your Eid was filled with much love and happiness.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Once upon a Summer's Day

[caption id="attachment_370" align="aligncenter" width="1024" caption="Lavenders in Kaikoura"][/caption]
Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.”
― Alice HoffmanPractical Magic

In Living Colour

There are many kinds of friends and people that I have in my life. There are those who are my best friends for life-till-death do us part kinds, those after work coffee buddies whom I meet once in a while to de-stress and rant about the office, and then there are those who hold a cameo role, appearing rarely but nonetheless, making their presence known and heard.

I have a few of these people in my life. I see them very rarely, but during those rare moments, they have never failed to make me either stare in amazement, cringe, roll my eyes or secretly wish I can stab them-repeatedly.

I have a friend, whom I’ve known since we were 15. Whenever I cut school, I would go over to her house to hide out and we would listen to Feminin (yes, they were the rage back then if you must know) and talk about the boys at school. We were so close that if we aren’t together, we will be hanging on the phone…sometimes not even talking. Just holding on to the phone, listening at nothing at would only start to talk if there was something that  crossed our minds.  But school life ended and we parted ways. Me to UPM and she chased her dream of becoming a singer. Well, we’re still friends now but not as close as we used to be. We talk, meet up once in a while and exchange life stories.

So I texted her a few weeks back. Asking her how she is, since she just went through another breakup to which I had spent countless and endless hours of texting, trying to calm her down.  My “Hi babe, how’s it going? Are you ok?” was met with a short reply – “Hey, check out my video yah? (insert video link here)”

Hmmm…okay…what is this? A game of Blue’s Clues? Find the clues in this video to get your answer ;-)

Or did she just confuse me as being one of her fans? Maybe I should’ve asked for her autograph.

And then, there is this guy. Who I rarely see. Very interesting character and perhaps well on his way of being sued for sexual harassment one of these day.

His idea of breakfast talk is “you hebat tak di ranjang?”

And I splutter hot tea all over the table. Who ever uses the word ranjang anymore these days?

Oh, and he gave me the middle-finger as he sped away in his brand new mini cooper as I stood waiting for a bus late one evening.


The girl I wrote about some time ago also made a comeback. Remember her?

I was in my car one morning, idling and warming up the engine. I saw her driving past in her black MyVi. I looked down, hoping she didn’t see me and quickly shifted the gear, wanting to drive away JUST in case she saw me.

She did. And what were the odds of that happening to me?

She made a U-turn.

Drove up to the side of my car, rolled her windows down and asked

“Kau ni bila nak kahwin ni? Umur dah berapa”

I'm beginning to wonder what is with her and her obsession with my status?

Yes hi, Good Morning. Kau sihat? Dari mana ni pagi-pagi? Oh..hantar anak pergi sekolah. Besar dah anak kau… Ok lah bye

Shoot, I wish I had given a better comeback. At least she skipped the weight issue this time around. Thank god.

Well, whoever they are, and for whatever reason they exist in my life, I just realised that they add colour to it. Yes, I admit annoyance was the initial feeling but when I sat down, and thought about it, I found myself smiling and chuckling.

I think I can still handle those bizarre once-in-a-blue happenings.

They are who they are. And I am who I am.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Looking back and moving on

I’ve deleted a few lines and a number of words as I attempt to breathe life back onto this small space of mine. I sat staring at the monitor, watching the predictable rhythm of the cursor as it blinks, thinking of how I can recap 2011 in twenty words or less or more. Perhaps more.

Emotionally, 2011 was a stable year. No major heartaches or heartbreaks but also not a single date. But I think I was ok with that. I’ll consider 2011 as a buffer year from the years of mis-match making attempts by friends and family. Nonetheless, I still believe in the age-old of happily ever afters. I am Cinta, after all.

I survived the moving office to Putrajaya, got used to the long commute and sometimes long drive between home and the new office. I finally got my diploma in translation and managed to whizz past my first semester with the assignments and endless presentations and exam as a post graduate student in University Malaya. Not too bad I say, though there were times when I think I forgot to breathe.

2011 was also a good year as I was fortunate enough to have the means to travel to New Zealand’s South Island, twice in the same year. I hopped in a car armed with a GPS and guide books and drove the width and breadth of the country. I hiked through a mossy forest, saw the seals in Kaikoura, inhaled the sweet scents of lavender, listened to the sounds of nature at the Pancake Rock Blowholes in Punakaiki, stared in amazement at the glaciers in St. Josef and watched my own reflection at the lake in Wanaka. I was in Christchurch a week before the big earthquake in February happened and came back a few months later. I saw how beautiful and busy the city was before and witnessed the eerie silence of the city after. Christchurch will never be the same again. I counted my blessings at the greatness of Allah the almighty.

I was and am lucky to have friends who so willingly handed over a paid luxury holiday at the Pimalai Resorts in Krabi, spending three days experiencing what it was like living a life of the privileged. I couldn’t thank them enough.

I shrieked with shared happiness as a friend landed a job in Dubai, and another found her other half and soul mate. Wedding bells soon to be ringing and a trip to Dubai must be planned.

I also learned how to bake a cheesecake from scratch and met a lot of new people. In real life or virtual from this blog of mine.

Most importantly though, I welcomed my first niece into the world early in 2011. She’s a bundle of joy a ray of sunshine for the whole family. I couldn’t ask for more.

But it wasn’t all smiles last year. Of course there were those moments of gloom. But lets not dwell on that.

The only regret I have of last year is that I didn’t write often.

What will 2012 bring?

Only the best that life has to offer…. And maybe my other half. I want to be married before the year ends. There, its out in the open. This is the first time I’ve actually said it out loud. I guess I’m ready now.

I am ready. Percaya tak?

Oh, and happy new year to you. This will be great year for us. You and me.