When I first started Single in KL, I was optimistic, and positive.
I wanted to stay positive because I wanted my life to be filled with all the good things in life. Good vibes attract good things and good people. I believed in that. Whole heartedly. I saw the good in the bad and though everything wasn’t peaches and creams with cherries on top, I urged myself to see things as colorful as they can be.
But that was then, many moons ago.
I have been in denial for the longest time. Telling myself that whatever is happening will eventually fade away. If only I could figure out the ‘whatever-is-happening’ part. I’m still confused and I am still trying to figure out this empty feeling inside myself.
No, I am not referring to my non-existent dating life at the moment. I admit, it gets kind if lonely sometimes. Not, not sometimes, most of the times. Especially on cold rainy evenings such as today. *sigh* I don’t know…But I do know it is not because of the lack of dates. No, not that.
There are so many things that I wish I could say here, to let the words flow onto the monitor but I can’t. I always believe that whatever is said or written, whether intentionally or unintentionally, could or would hurt people. Family and friends. I don’t want to do that. I don’t believe in that. I’m more traditional and I believe that I have a certain responsibility to the things that I post here.
Hence the lack of posts the past few months. I can’t think of anything nice to write about.
More often than not, I find myself laughing less and frowning more and even the wrinkle lines have even started to show. I’ve been seeing less of my friends and family and when I do, even my own laughter sounds hollow to my own ears.
Life is so predictable at the moment. Work, home, the occasional dinner and work again the next morning with the occasional travel thrown in between. I am thankful for that. To be allowed to see the beauty of life, of nature and of people from all over but something is missing.
I don’t know…I don’t know…I don’t know…
I don’t even know where this post if headed. Maybe if I am honest to myself, and admit that life isn’t a colorful rainbow right now, maybe I can move on and figure out what went wrong.
Tell me that it is human to be feeling what I’m feeling right now.
In the meantime, have a meaningful Ramadhan. Maybe I get to see the little girl with the strawberries sewn on her telekung again this year during terawikh. Maybe this year she’ll have flowers instead. Maybe.
un día a la vez.
One day at a time.